That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
