she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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