she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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