Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You ruined the universe
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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