You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
