I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
