the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
