I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
