im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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