wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
