Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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