I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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