Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
