I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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