If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
