My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
