Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
