He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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