true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
