well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
