dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
