In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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