He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
