today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
