My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
