Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I would fuck him just for his dog
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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