Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Randomize
