Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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