Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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