My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
