I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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