So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
