Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
