Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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