Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
