I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
