His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
