I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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