I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
