I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
