Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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