after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
