Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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