Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
