i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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