I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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