I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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