if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
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