It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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