then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
